Torn (Summer In Winter) Read online

  "I will come back though," he said. "I just can't give you firm dates."

  I forced a smile, but my face felt numb and the smile probably looked strange. "I wouldn't expect you to come back. We'll just see you when we see you."

  He kissed my forehead. "I'm going to miss you."

  "I'll miss you too."

  "I'll call you and email you."

  "Sure. You can tell me all about college life and I'll keep you up to date on what's happening in Winter."

  ***

  Ryder left in July to help his dad settle into a new house before school started. Our goodbye was awkward and short. I was acutely aware that my declaration to lose my virginity to him remained a false hope.

  He kept his promise and called me every week for about a year. After that, the emails got less, the phone calls stopped altogether, and my only contact with him was through Facebook and Instagram. Then his career took off spectacularly and he stopped doing those things too. If I didn't keep up with his career through Twitter and sports blogs, I would have thought he'd fallen off the face of the earth.

  Until he came back to Winter, three years later.

  CHAPTER 3

  Now, summer in Winter.

  "He's back!" Beth punctuated her announcement by slamming her car door and fixing her gaze on me.

  I straightened and arched my back. It was stiff from bending over to pull out the weeds in the front garden bed. "I know," I told her.

  She pouted. "You knew Ryder Cavanagh was in town? Did he call?"

  I shrugged one shoulder, doing a good impression of someone who didn't care. I think I succeeded despite the thought of his return occupying every moment since I'd learned that an off-season injury had sidelined him. "I guessed. You wouldn't have come charging up my driveway, bursting to tell me someone was back if it wasn't Ryder."

  "I'll give you that." She sat on the top step and hugged her knees. "Still, you don't seem very surprised."

  I removed my gardening gloves and surveyed my morning's work. I hated weeding, especially in the summer, but it had to be done and the heat hadn't hit scorching levels yet, just uncomfortably hot. Sweat only threatened to drip down my back. In another hour, my T-shirt would be damp.

  "Jane?" Beth was looking at me with a mixture of sympathy and curiosity. "Jane, did you hear me?"

  "Yeah, I heard. You want to know why I'm not surprised that Ryder's coming back. That's because I'm not. He's injured. He tore a ligament. I read that on the NCAA website."

  "Oh-kay." She didn't meet my gaze. Probably she thought I was slightly crazy for following Ryder's career so closely. Maybe I was. The word pathetic also came to mind. "But that doesn't mean he would come here to Winter. His father doesn't live here anymore. They haven't got any ties to the place."

  "Actually they do," I said. "He never sold the house and couldn't rent it out. It's been empty for three years, except for the rats that moved in last spring. I thought Ryder and his dad might come back here so Ryder could convalesce."

  She tucked her sleek black hair behind her ear, the movement a slow, languid one. Sexy. Everything Beth did was sexy without her even trying. "You've thought this through, haven't you?"

  I'd been thinking of nothing else for three years. No, not quite true. I had a lot of things on my plate with Gran's health declining and working part-time at Hearth & Home in Riverside. Not to mention keeping the rats out of our own house, and making sure the mold didn't grow to horror movie proportions. Thank God my new cousin Ben came to town. If it wasn't for him fixing the place up, Gran and I might have been forced out of our home.

  But I'd always spared a thought for Ryder. Every day, usually just after I closed my eyes in bed. I would see him how he'd looked on prom night, dressed in his suit, his blue eyes lighting up when he saw me for the first time in my dress.

  "You'll probably find it weird having him back," Beth said, gazing at the trees that formed the eastern boundary of our property. Behind them was the Cavanagh house, a place a little smaller than ours but just as old. She gave me a sly grin. "I wonder how long it'll take him to come round and say hi. My guess is he'll visit you later today. Maybe by lunch time."

  "Maybe." I wasn't so sure. I wasn't sure about anything to do with Ryder anymore. I used to know him so well, but now he was a stranger.

  The only things I knew about his life outside of football came from some gossip articles I'd read. Around the time he'd stopped calling me, he'd started dating the daughter of a trucking magnate. She was a party girl and the two of them got invited to everything. After that relationship ended, he had a fling with a singer then took up with a stage actress based in New York. So much for him not wanting a long distance relationship. I stopped reading the gossips after that.

  "I haven't forgotten what you said that last year of high school," Beth said.

  I frowned at her as I sat on the top step too. "What did I say?"

  "That you were going to lose your virginity to Ryder. Now that he's back, you've got the opportunity."

  "What makes you think I still have my virginity?"

  She narrowed her gaze at me. "Because you would have told us if you gave it away."

  True. "Okay, what makes you think I still want to lose it to Ryder? That was three years ago. We were kids then."

  She sighed and stretched out her legs. "You're not going to play hard to get, are you? Come on, Jane, it's time to stop wishing Ryder will wake up one day and want to marry you." She held up her hands to ward off my protest. "It may still happen, but it may not. He's big time now. He can have his pick of women."

  "And he's not going to pick me."

  "Oh, sweetie." She put her arm around my shoulders and touched her temple to mine. "If he had any sense he would, but you know as well as I do that he's a guy and guys are ruled by their dicks, not their heads or hearts. He's going to fuck every actress he can get while the going's good. He's not thinking marriage, and he's probably not thinking of settling down here in Winter ever again. He's moved on. You need to too. That's why I think now is a good time to fuck him and just get rid of the damn thing."

  "My virginity is not a 'damn thing.'"

  "But it's a heavy weight you're dragging around. At least, that's how it was for me. I was so relieved to let it go."

  In a way, she was right. It did feel like a burden that I carried with me. I was the last of my friends to still be a virgin. Even shy, sweet Lucy had given her virginity to her boyfriend last year. It wasn't that I felt like I was missing out on something, just that it was stopping me from living my life to the full. Every time I got asked out on a date, I would worry about where it would lead and whether that guy was the guy I wanted to give my virginity to. The answer was always 'no'. I only wanted to give it to Ryder. Now he was back and I had the perfect opportunity. After it was gone, I could finally move on from my pipe dream of being with him and go on dates with guys in my own league.

  I eyed Beth. She was beautiful and graceful, tall and slender. Girls like her got noticed just walking down the street. Girls like me had to dress up in their prettiest clothes, strap on high heels and wear makeup just to attract the occasional whistle. It sucked, but there was no point feeling sorry for myself over something I couldn't change.

  "Beth, will you help me look better?"

  She pulled away. "What the hell are you talking about?"

  "Just for a few weeks while Ryder's back. If I want to sleep with him, I have to at least try and look like the sort of girl he goes for."

  She twisted her mouth from side to side as she thought about it. "Sweetie, Ryder kissed you on prom night because he liked you, not because you resembled someone else. Because you were you. I'm not messing with that, and you shouldn't either."

  Sometimes my friends make me cry, in a good way. I sniffed and hugged her. "Thanks, Beth."

  She rubbed my back. "Anytime."

  "But if Ryder won't sleep with me, I'm blaming you."

  She laughed. "Come on, let's go inside. You look li
ke you could do with a break. Are Kate and Ben here?"

  "He's painting the dining room, but she's not here."

  "I still can't believe she got herself a great guy and you found yourself a cousin."

  Neither could I. It had come completely out of nowhere, but Ben was lovely, despite his past, and he was totally in love with Kate. It was nice having them both around. It gave the house some life.

  We went inside and the first thing I did was check on Gran in the drawing room. Her chin was on her chest, her book open in her lap. The portable radio on the table beside her played a piano concerto. I crept back out and we went in search of Ben. We found him on a ladder in the dining room, paint on his hair, hands, T-shirt and shoes.

  "You missed a bit," I said.

  He checked the area of ceiling already completed. "Where?"

  "Your jeans are clean."

  He grinned down at me. "Very funny. Hey, Beth."

  "Hi," Beth said. She'd returned to Winter only a week ago after vacationing with her parents. She'd not known about Ben beforehand, and was surprised that Kate had fallen head over heels for someone she hardly knew. But when Beth saw them together, she'd seen how good they were for each other, how right. She also saw how good Ben was for Gran and me. It was nice having a man around the house doing all the jobs that I'd struggled with. The fact that Gran liked him was a bonus, and a huge relief. He was her late husband's illegitimate grandson, so she had every reason to want to run him out of town, but she'd taken to him like he was her own blood.

  Ben placed the brush in the tray on the platform he'd set up between two ladders and descended. "Have you spoken to her about it yet?"

  "Spoken to who about what?" Beth asked, tucking her hands into the back pockets of her shorts.

  "To Gran," I said. "Ben thinks we should turn this place into a B&B."

  "It's just a suggestion," he said, eyeing me. "If it's not something you want, then just say so and I'll never mention it again. It's something you've got to be totally on board with because I'm not going to be here forever."

  "You might be here a while if Kate goes on to do post-graduate."

  Ben had decided to stay in Winter until Kate finished her studies and got a job somewhere, most likely in a city. There was nothing for her in Winter, and Ben had made it clear he wasn't going to be separated from her any longer than necessary.

  "Either way, I can help to set the place up, but I won't be involved with the day to day running of it. That'll be up to you." He folded his arms over his chest. "So, is that why you haven't mentioned it to Mrs. M?"

  "I haven't mentioned it because I don't think she'll agree. It's got nothing to do with me not liking the idea."

  The idea scared the hell out of me. What did I know about running a B&B? I wasn't afraid of doing the work, but I just wasn't sure it was what I wanted. An endeavor like that needed a huge commitment. It would mean giving up my job in Riverside, and I liked my co-workers and the customers at Hearth & Home. The money wasn't great, but it was a stable job. Besides, what if the B&B didn't make any money? Winter wasn't exactly set up for vacationers. Why would anyone spend their hard-earned cash to stay in our old house? Besides, did I want to let strangers sleep under my roof? And what if I absolutely hated it?

  Too many ifs, buts and maybes. Ben was right and I was avoiding telling Gran because it was easier than churning all those questions over in my mind and coming up with no answers. I'd once told Ryder I had no ambition. That hadn't changed. He'd also told me I needed a purpose. Well, now I had one, and it had nothing to do with the house.

  I was going to lose my virginity to him.

  "Then why not mention it to her now?" Ben asked, his eyes twinkling, daring me. "I'll back you up."

  "She's napping now and I need a shower. I'm going next door to welcome Ryder and his dad back."

  "I bet you are," Beth muttered. I shot her a glare and she pressed her lips together, but she couldn't contain her smile.

  Twenty minutes later, I batted away the long weeds growing on either side of the path that connected the two properties. Ryder and I used to walk it every day when we were kids, but I hadn't been that way in years. Turned out the weeds were higher than I expected and the gate had rusted shut. By the time I climbed over it, I needed another shower. Served me right for choosing the short cut.

  The Cavanagh house was a gabled Edwardian with a wide porch like our place. The family had roots in Winter stretching almost as far back as ours. Each generation had produced a mill manager who'd worked at Merriweather Sawmill and lived in the house with his wife and children. Ryder's dad had been the last manager in the Eighties. He was an older man, already in his sixties, and had remained in Winter when most people left. According to Gran, he and his wife had given up their dream of having children after trying for years. Ryder's arrival had been a miracle. Sadly, Mrs. Cavanagh had died of breast cancer when he was only four, but her dying wish had been that Ryder be brought up in the country, and so Mr. Cavanagh had stayed in Winter, scraping out a living as a handyman. It was a big difference from being mill manager, but he never complained.

  Mr. Cavanagh saw me before I saw him. He called out from the roof and waved.

  "Should you be up there?" I called back. When Ben had done some work on our roof, he'd worn a safety harness, but Mr. Cavanagh was stopped from falling off by nothing more than the grip on his boots.

  "I'm all right. Wait there, I'll come down."

  I waited, even though it frustrated me. I wanted to go inside and get the first meeting with Ryder over with. Strange that he hadn't come out when he heard my voice. Maybe his injury meant he couldn't move.

  Mr. Cavanagh climbed down the ladder and gave me a kiss on my cheek. "It's great to see you again, Jane. Great to be back in Winter." He breathed deeply, filling his lungs. "I've missed this place."

  "Winter has missed you," I said, meaning it. Mr. Cavanagh was the sort of man who always had a smile for everyone. He was never in a bad mood, never got involved in petty disputes. If someone needed help, he would be the first one there, getting his hands dirty. He was just like Ryder.

  We talked for a few minutes out in the front garden. It was overgrown, the weeds having taken on epic proportions. It was much like our garden in that respect, or the way it had been mere weeks ago. The Cavanagh house was in better condition than ours though. Where Gran and I had struggled for over a decade on our own, Ryder and his dad had only been gone three years.

  It was frustrating to have to give him the town news when all I wanted to do was see Ryder, but I managed to cover just about everyone before I could stand it no longer.

  "Is Ryder here?" I asked.

  He removed his hat and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Inside," he said, glancing at the front door with a worried frown. "Jane?"

  I didn't like the undercurrent of concern in his voice. He wouldn't meet my gaze either. "Yes? Is something wrong?" Please let Ryder be okay.

  He shrugged his big shoulders as if he were shrugging off a thought. "Everything's fine. Ryder's just a little…frustrated. Maybe you can cheer him up. You were always good for him like that."

  I was? "I'll try. Is he inside?"

  "Round the back."

  I headed around the side of the house to the back porch. I expected to see Ryder lying on a chaise with his leg up or something, but he was sitting on the back steps, holding a cordless phone. The battery panel lay beside him and he was trying to pull out the batteries with his fingers. Going by the clicks of his tongue, he wasn't having much luck.

  "Fucking piece of shit!" He threw the phone onto the ground. It broke into several pieces, but the batteries remained inside.

  Oh-kay. So Ryder was in a bad mood. 'Frustrated', his dad had said. No kidding.

  I cleared my throat. Ryder turned round and I got my first look at him in three years, other than the pictures on the web. He was more handsome than I remembered, something I hadn't thought possible. His jaw was all strong angles, covered i
n blond stubble that made him seem older. His hair was a little longer at the back, and instead of it being swept off his brow, it hung low, almost into his eyes. Those eyes stared back at me, as blue as ever yet not the same. They were filled with shadows and weariness that tugged at the corners.

  "Shit," he muttered, turning away. "I knew you'd be here sooner or later, but I thought you'd give me a day to myself."

  He must have heard my gasp. It was so loud it frightened a bird sitting in the weeping cherry nearby. Yet he didn't turn to look at me, didn't apologize or say anything. He just sat there and stretched his legs out, nonchalant, as if he were a lord surveying his extensive estate.

  I should have walked off and left, but I was in too much shock to move. This was Ryder? This angry, bitter guy was my Ryder? What had happened to him in the last three years?

  Despite my heart being lodged in my throat, I managed to swallow and find some courage. I walked up to the steps where he sat and picked up the pieces of the phone. The batteries had leaked into the cavity. It was ruined.

  "I'll throw it in the trash," I said.

  He held out his hand. "Give it to me. I'll do it." I handed it to him and he stood.

  I expected to see his leg strapped up, but it looked fine to me. He wore knee-length cargoes and no shoes. There wasn't a strapping or brace or anything. He walked off to the back door perfectly. No limp. I didn't know much about sports injuries, but I'd followed enough of the NCAA in recent years to know that a torn ligament was painful. He should be on crutches.

  He went inside and I followed. I don't know why. Clearly he didn't want me to. But I'd come over especially to see him, and anyway, surely his bad mood would run out of steam. Ryder wasn't the sort of guy to stay mad for long.

  The house was dark and smelled dusty. Ryder headed into the kitchen and threw the broken pieces of the phone on the table. He picked up the base that was on the bench and pulled hard. The cord flew out of the plug and whipped around, almost hitting me in the arm. He threw that on the table too, only it slipped off the other side and smashed on the tiled floor.