Torn (Summer In Winter) Read online

  I swallowed. I'd never been naked in front of a guy before and it scared the hell out of me. Ryder being in a weird mood didn't help. I preferred it when he'd been hot and passionate in his kitchen, not cold, clinical and bossy. "You first."

  One side of his mouth quirked up. He removed his clothes. All of them. He stood in front of me, completely, gloriously naked.

  Oh. My. God.

  When I got over my shock at how comfortable he was being naked in the middle of the day in a public place, I took in the view. And wow, what an awesome view. I'd already seen his top half, but now I got to admire the rest. His powerful, muscular thighs and the way the ridges of his stomach narrowed the further down they went until they formed an arrow that pointed to his groin.

  So that's what an erect penis looked like. The last time I'd seen a real penis and not a sketch of one in a biology book had been on an HBO show and it had not looked as hard as Ryder's. His stuck out like a pole, but with a slight curve. And it was ridged too, the veins thick. It pulsed.

  "Now you," he said.

  I shook my head. "Turn around first," I whispered. "I want to see your ass." His ass had occupied my dreams for a very long time. I needed to see what it looked like without jeans on.

  He crossed his arms and glared at me. Uh-oh. What had I said? Maybe he didn't like sleeping with demanding women. Oh hell. He was going to walk away and leave me an unsatisfied, drooling mess.

  But he didn't walk off or snatch up his jeans. He turned, sighing.

  Oh yes! A thousand times yes. His ass was as tight and hard as I imagined. Two perfect globes, just right for grasping, and possibly sinking my teeth into if I felt daring enough later.

  "Thank you," I said when he turned back to face me.

  "Thank me by removing your clothes. No wait, let me do it. Stand up."

  I stood. "Are you always this bossy in bed?"

  "We're not in bed," he said. "We're down by the river. Come closer."

  I stepped up to him so that we were only inches apart. My nose was level with his chest. If I was any closer, his penis would be pressing into my stomach. Maybe I could touch it.

  Ryder lifted my T-shirt, but he didn't remove it. He placed his hands on the curves of my waist and his thumbs stroked my lowest ribs. He didn't speak, but his eyes shuttered so it was impossible to read what he was thinking.

  His hands moved up, skimming over my skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake. Up until he met the underwire of my bra. He palmed each of my breasts. Their fullness filled his hands.

  He let them go and gripped the hem of my T-shirt, tugging it up and over my head. My hair came free of its ponytail, the tie falling somewhere in the sand. His gaze fell to the swell of my breasts above my bra. To my surprise I didn't feel embarrassed. I felt beautiful. Alive.

  I reached behind my back to unhook my bra, but he caught my hands and pinned them there.

  "Not yet." His voice was deep and throaty. He did not let me go, but I could have pulled free if I wanted to. I let him hold me like that because it brought us closer together. I could smell the light woody tones of his aftershave, mingling with the scents of sand and sunshine. He tightened his grip, drawing my hands away from my back. The movement forced me to square my shoulders, throwing my breasts out. He groaned low in his chest.

  I felt something ripple through me at the sound. Power. My power. Ryder wanted me, and that was a glorious feeling. Whatever game he was playing, it was secondary to his desire at that moment. He wanted me as much as I wanted him.

  He let go of me and placed his hands on either side of my breasts. He slipped his thumbs inside my bra and pulled the soft cups down until I spilled free. My breasts were heavy without the support, but having the entire bra underneath propped them up so they sat high on my chest.

  Ryder dipped his head and took one in his mouth. His lips nibbled my flesh, his warm tongue circled my nipple, teasing it to a point. I tipped my head back and moaned. The other day, I'd felt a pulse between my thighs when he'd done that. This time it was more than a pulse. It was like an electric current shooting down to my clit.

  I bit my lip, but a small sound escaped anyway, half way between a moan and a cry.

  Ryder moved his attention to my other breast, nuzzling and licking, making me crazy and hot. I took his head in my hands and stroked his hair off his face, wanting to drag him up so he'd kiss me. But in the back of my mind was his one rule—no kissing on the lips. I didn't think it would be so hard to follow.

  Speaking of hard. I wanted to touch him there. I ran my hands down his chest, his abs, following the V I'd seen earlier, until I reached his hard length. I circled my hand around it to see how big it truly was.

  He sucked air between his teeth and gently nipped my nipple with his lips. "Unfair," he said.

  "Why?"

  "I want to go slow."

  Slow sounded too…slow. I wanted to feel him inside me now. I wanted the weight of him above me, in me. I wanted to do it all before he changed his mind.

  I let go of him and continued my exploration underneath, to his balls. Then I had a better idea. "Lie down. I want to see you properly."

  He pulled away, frowning. "You're more demanding than I remembered."

  I grinned. "I guess I've changed too."

  His nostrils flared. He batted away my hand, angry again. "Stand still while I remove your skirt."

  What had I said now? Why was he going from gentle to angry? I crossed my arms over my breasts.

  "Don't cover them," he said. "They're too magnificent to hide away."

  "Then be nice."

  His eyes fluttered closed and he drew in a deep breath. He gave a single nod then opened them again. "Your skirt."

  I undid the buttons at the back and shimmied out of it.

  "Underwear too."

  I was suddenly very glad I'd waxed at the beginning of summer. Still, I hesitated.

  "What are you waiting for?"

  Okay, Jane, just do it. It's no big deal.Get this over with and it will be done and you don't have to worry about it anymore.

  I glanced at the path leading back to the house. What if someone came looking for us?

  "Nobody's coming," he growled. "Are you having second thoughts?"

  I shook my head.

  "Jesus." He stepped back as if I was too hot to be near. His face drained of color. "You are, aren't you? Jane, why didn't—"

  "No!" I whipped off my underwear and kicked them away.

  He swallowed heavily.

  "I want you, Ryder." I stepped up to him and placed both hands on his chest. The muscles flexed beneath my palms. "I want to feel your skin against mine and this…" I wrapped my hand around his penis again. "I want to feel this inside me."

  He swallowed again. For one horrible moment I thought he was going to pull away. But then the familiar smoky desire returned to his eyes.

  He grabbed me around the waist and pulled me against him. Our bodies collided. His cock rammed into my stomach. He kissed my throat, my earlobe, and I thought he'd progress to my mouth, but he remembered his rule and didn't kiss my lips.

  "Ryder." I tipped my head back as he returned to kissing my breasts, down to my stomach and beyond. I widened my stance, knowing what was to come and wanting it so badly I might combust with the ache welling inside me.

  He knelt in the sand and gently separated my folds. The first lick of his tongue sent a jolt through me. I felt him smile against me and I smiled too, even though he couldn't see it. I couldn't believe I was doing this, with Ryder. Finally!

  Then he licked again and I lost all train of thought. All I could feel were the sensations pulsing through me. It was nothing like I thought it would be. It was like losing my mind and diving off the highest pier all at the same time. It was scary yet liberating. I didn't care if someone saw us doing this. I didn't care that I was naked in public, my most private parts on display and being sweetly tortured by Ryder's tongue. I didn't care if I made noises I'd never made before, whic
h was just as well because I was panting and moaning like an animal.

  All I cared about was releasing the exquisite pressure building inside me. It rose and ebbed, rose and ebbed, each time filling more of me until I couldn't stand it any longer.

  "Yessssss," I hissed.

  The dam burst. Sensations flooded me, crashing into my nerve endings, heating me from the inside. My body throbbed as they coursed along my veins, spread to the very tips of my hot nipples. So hot. I cupped my breasts, wanting to touch them the way Ryder had, make the sensations last.

  I strummed my nipples with my thumbs and relished the way it made my clit zing. Ryder was standing now, his hooded gaze drinking me in.

  "My God, Jane." His voice was a barely audible rasp. "You're so beautiful."

  Beautiful? Me?

  Yes. At that moment, I felt desirable and lovely, like a piece of art to be admired. And Ryder admired. His hands held mine. He directed them over the mounds of my breasts, across the wide, flat nipples again and again until they were painful peaks. Then down, following the trail his kisses had taken, down to my sex.

  "Feel that," he whispered, wonder in his voice. "Feel how wet you are for me."

  I cupped myself, his hand covering mine, gently guiding. I was so hot down there, and so wet I was dripping. He pressed and my palm ground against my clit, sending a jolt through me. Tiny aftershocks followed and intensified the more he made me rub.

  "Keep your orgasm going for me," he whispered in my ear. "Keep coming for me, Jane."

  His raggedly spoken words were as much a turn-on as my hand. The tingles rushed again, hotter and faster than last time. He took my breast in his mouth again and gently sucked, his tongue stroking my tight nipple. He let go of my hand to hold my waist, but I left it there. I teased my clit with my fingers until I couldn't stand it any longer.

  I came all over them. "Ryder!"

  My knees buckled, but he caught me. He picked me up as if I were petite and light and laid me on the sand. He settled to one side, his hand skimming over my breast, my ribs, my stomach. I stretched out and smiled up at him.

  "Wow," I murmured. I had just experienced my first orgasm with a man. With Ryder.

  He half smiled, but I could see he was distracted. He took my hand and brought it to my lips. I could smell myself on my fingers. "Taste yourself. Taste how beautiful you are."

  But I had a better idea. Forget the damn rule. I took his face in my hands and kissed his mouth. I tasted my sex on him, but didn't care. The taste didn't last and then it was just Ryder, kissing me back. It seemed he'd decided to forego the rule too.

  Good. Kissing him at that moment felt right. It was how it should be.

  He moaned and angled himself over me. His penis nudged my trembling thigh. I touched it, relishing the smoothness and the ridges, and the way my touch made his breath catch.

  He fished inside the pocket of his shorts and found the condom. It was out of its packet in the blink of an eye and I watched as he slipped it over his length, mesmerized at the size of him, the unforgiving hardness. Maybe now was a good time to mention I was still a virgin.

  The thought was lost as he pushed inside, gently thrusting, reaching a little further each time.

  His breath quickened, the muscles in his arms trembled as he held his weight off me. He kissed me again, willingly. And pushed a little more inside.

  I squeezed my eyes shut against the pain I knew would come. It would be sharp, but brief, so Beth had once told me. I was prepared. Willing.

  Ryder pulled out. His face was flushed, his eyes large. "Jane! You're a…"

  I wasn't sure whether to be shocked that he was so surprised, glad or worried.

  "Jesus. Why didn't you tell me? I didn't know." His breathing quickened. Sweat dampened his brow. "I had no idea. I swear, I didn't know."

  I was losing him. If I wanted this, I had to bring him back to me. I stroked his cheek and smiled. "It's all right, Ryder. I want this. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. But please, keep going or I'll die."

  "You…want to give it to…to me?"

  I nodded quickly. I rose up and kissed him hard on the lips. He groaned and we collapsed together onto the sand. His penis found my opening again and, when he hesitated, I put my hand against his ass and pushed. He held me as my barrier broke. It wasn't as bad as Beth had made out, not with Ryder holding me so tenderly and kissing me.

  I stroked his sweat-slicked back and shoulders, dug my hands into his hair, and arched my back until he gave my breasts some attention with his mouth. His thrusts grew faster, harder. He returned to kissing my mouth and I swallowed his roar as he came inside me.

  He fell onto his back and pulled me with him, tucking me into his side. I was covered in sand—it was even inside my butt crack—but I didn't care. I had Ryder here with me, sated and happy, the way he should be. I rested my head on his chest and he folded me into his arms. His breathing slowed and I wondered if he'd fallen asleep. I didn't want to look up at his face in case I woke him, so I closed my eyes too.

  I'd never felt so content. So full of love. That hadn't changed, despite Ryder's odd behavior since his return. That guy was gone now anyway, and the old Ryder was back. He may have started out wanting to fuck me, but at some stage, something inside him had opened up and let the old Ryder out. It was that guy that had made love to me. My guy.

  Ryder drew in a deep breath and let it out in a long, shuddery exhalation. "I'm sorry." His voice was no louder than a sigh. I almost didn't hear him. "Forgive me."

  I sat up and blinked down at him. He stood and dragged both hands through his hair as he turned away.

  "Ryder? What's wrong? What do you need my forgiveness for?"

  He didn't answer, just reached for his clothes. I stood and grabbed his shoulder, but he wrenched free.

  "Ryder, talk to me." He didn't speak. "You have nothing to be sorry for! If this is about me being a virgin—"

  "This has nothing to do with that!"

  Why was he shouting at me? What had I done? I began to cry. Damn. I hated crying, but I was still so raw and emotional after our loving-making that I couldn't help it. "Then what? Why won't you tell me anything anymore?"

  "Want me to tell you something? Okay then, I will." He turned around and threw my clothes at me. His face was a violent rage of emotions. "I am not your trophy, Jane."

  "What?"

  "You saved yourself because you wanted to lose your virginity to me. I know you've wanted to for years, so don't try telling me otherwise. I can't believe you held onto it all this time, just so you could tick that little box."

  "But—"

  "How do you think he feels?"

  Whoa! What? He wasn't making sense. "Who?"

  "Your boyfriend!"

  Oh. Hell. I'd forgotten to tell him that Kate had made that up. "I don't—"

  "So much for loyal. Clearly you're not."

  I held up my hands and stepped back. "Do you mean you were testing me just now? Seeing if I would sleep with you and cheat on my boyfriend? What the hell for?"

  He put on his shorts, but not his T-shirt. "Because I wanted to believe I could trust you. I wanted to believe that you're different. But you're just like all the others. Always after the bigger score, the better guy, the next rung up the ladder. I'm tired, Jane. I'm tired of those women and the trouble they bring. And believe me, I am in deep trouble."

  "What kind of trouble?"

  "The kind that gets me expelled and off the team. The kind that makes even my dad doubt how he raised me." This last he said on a choked sob. His face twisted as he fought to control his emotions. "I thought you'd be different, Jane. But you're not."

  I shook my head, trying to clear it and make sense of what he was saying. I wanted to go to him and hold him and find out the whole story, but he would only push me away. He didn't want me near him. That was coming through loud and clear.

  Besides, I was still pissed at him for testing me and casting me as the bitch. "I am not like the other girls, Ryde
r, and you know that. You know that!" I shouted, too angry to speak calmly.

  "You just proved—"

  "I proved nothing except that I shouldn't have come down here with you. I don't have a boyfriend, Ryder. There is no other guy. There goddamn never has been and I'm fucking regretting that right now because I fucking wish I'd given my virginity to someone who appreciated it." I'd never sworn so much in my life, but I didn't care. At least the tears had stopped.

  He stared at me. His chest heaved with his breathing. I felt like I'd just run a marathon too. My breasts shook with my seething anger. I put my bra and T-shirt back on, my skirt and underwear too, all while he stared at me.

  "You don't have a boyfriend," he said, flat.

  "No. I never have." I waved at the indentation of my butt in the sand. "If you couldn't tell."

  "That doesn't mean you don't have a boyfriend, just that you were waiting. Fuck. I was going to stop. I would have stopped, but…" He shook his head. "I'd gone too far." He lowered his head. "Jesus, this is a fucking mess."

  "Tell me about it."

  "Jane—"

  "Don't. Don't say anything. I'm too angry with you to have a proper conversation."

  "You're angry with me? Hey, at least I never lied."

  "Oh well done. Would you like applause for the way you turned the blame back onto me? It was nicely done, Ryder. Nicely done. Forgot the whole 'let's test her loyalty' thing already?"

  "That wasn't a lie. The truth from you would have set everything straight."

  "Would you have still slept with me?"

  "No. Of course not."

  "I thought not." I snatched up my sandals, flicking sand into the water. "Of course you wouldn't sleep with me. What a stupid, naive, dumb, fat, boring cow I am for thinking the high and mighty Ryder Cavanagh would deign to put his cock into someone like me because he wanted to. No, you were trying to prove a point."

  "Jane, don't turn this into—"

  "Shut up, Ryder! Don't talk to me. Ever. I've had enough. I'm sick of waiting for you to notice that I love you. Sick of getting passed over for every other fucking girl in school. Sick of hearing how Ryder Cavanagh's living the good life with beauty queens and celebrities at college. Sick of being able to do nothing about it except goddamn wait. Well, I'm tired too, Ryder. Tired of waiting for you. No more. Do you hear me? No fucking more. You're not worth it. Nobody is."